Becoming a parent through surrogacy is an extraordinary journey—full of planning, collaboration, and lots of love and patience. Many intended parents have a successful journey through donor conception, and, naturally, one of the biggest questions that arises is “If, how and when we should tell our child about their donor and surrogacy origins?”

For years, parents were often advised to stay silent or wait until children were “old enough to understand.” But professional guidance across the UK, Europe, Australia, and North America has changed dramatically. Today, psychologists, fertility experts, donor-conceived adult advocates, and major professional bodies (including HFEA, ASRM, ESHRE, VARTA, and the Donor Conception Network) stand firmly behind one message: Openness is best — and the earlier you start, the better.

This shift isn’t just philosophical. It’s grounded in decades of research and the real experiences of families who have walked this path before. In this article, we’ll bring you the most up-to-date, internationally accepted guidance so you can feel confident and supported as you prepare to share your child’s beautiful story with them.

Why openness matters

One of the greatest fears intended parents have is that disclosure will somehow confuse or upset their child. But evidence tells the opposite story. Children who “always knew” thrive. Studies from the UK, the U.S., Australia, and the Netherlands consistently show that children who grow up with an age-appropriate understanding of their story:

Feel secure and loved
Build strong, trusting relationships with their parents
Integrate their origins naturally into their identity
Experience less anxiety or confusion later in life

Openness isn’t only about “doing the right thing” — it’s about setting your child up with the emotional confidence that comes from honesty and trust.

Late discovery can be painful

In contrast, children who find out accidentally — especially through consumer DNA testing — often describe shock, betrayal, or a sense that their identity was “hidden” from them. Many donor-conceived adults have become vocal advocates for transparency because of these difficult lived experiences. And realistically — anonymity no longer exists. With the rise of global DNA databases, donor-conceived people can (and frequently do) uncover genetic connections regardless of clinic policies. Openness at home prevents future surprises.

When should you have ‘the talk’? (earlier than you think!)

Professionals across all major regions now recommend starting from infancy or toddlerhood. This is called the “seed-planting approach.” Instead of one big, dramatic conversation, you gently introduce pieces of the story over time. By the time the child is old enough to understand the details, the story has already been part of their life as they know it.

Here’s what this looks like:

0–3 years: Simple, warm storytelling with the use of picture books. “We needed help from a special person who carried you.”
4–7 years: Introduce words like “donor” and “surrogate”.
8–12 years: Add more detail about genetics and relationships if the child asks.
Teen years: Open the door to deeper questions about identity, donor siblings, or open-ID contact.

Parents often say they feel nervous at first, but over time it becomes a natural and even joyful part of family life. And remember: It’s never too late, even if your child is older — but it does take more thought and emotional support.

What should you say?

When professionals talk about “telling,” they don’t mean delivering a clinical explanation of IVF or donor selection. What matters most is the emotional truth: your child was deeply wanted. Your story begins with love — the desire to become a parent, and the courage to take a unique journey to make that dream real. Use factual, warm language, without over-romanticising the donor. A donor helped give your child a biological beginning and provided a seed or egg, or an embryo, but:

They are not a parent
They hold no parental role
They contributed generously to help you create a family

A surrogate carried the pregnancy with care. She helped bring your child safely into the world, and your child can feel proud of that extraordinary act of kindness. You are their parents — fully and unquestionably. Children understand parenthood as care, love, presence, and intention. This message anchors everything else.

Practical tips from the experts

1. Use children’s books and visual tools

Many donor conception and surrogacy storybooks exist — or you can create your own family book with your own personal photos.

Keep it positive, natural, and matter-of-fact

Avoid secrecy or “hushed” tones. Your comfort helps your child feel secure.

3. Avoid terms like “real mother/father”

Stick to clear terms:

“Egg donor / sperm donor / embryo donor”
“Surrogate / gestational carrier”
“We’re your parents”

4. Use a cohesive approach

Present surrogacy and donor conception together, not separately, so children see one cohesive narrative.

A donor helped start the pregnancy
A surrogate helped carry the pregnancy
You were there with love and intention through every step

Your goal isn’t to overwhelm your child with details — it’s to give them a clear, consistent foundation that grows with them.

5. Share photos if you’re comfortable

Images of the surrogate partner, ultrasound pictures, or the first time you held your baby can help children understand the story as part of their life narrative.

6. Expect questions—and welcome them

Questions don’t mean something is wrong. They often show your child is integrating information in a healthy way.

7. Revisit the story as they grow

A seven-year-old and a fifteen-year-old understand family differently. Keep adjusting the story to their developmental stage.

What if you feel nervous?

Let’s normalise this: Almost every intended parent worries about saying the wrong thing. But here’s the important part: Your willingness to help your child understand his/her origin story already makes you a fantastic parent.

If you feel uncertain, try:

Practicing your story with your partner
Telling it to a trusted friend or family member first
Using a children’s book as a guide
Speaking with a fertility counsellor

You don’t need to “get it perfect” — you just need to begin.

Your child’s story is beautiful — and you’re the best person to tell it

Families built through surrogacy and donation are created through extraordinary intention, and collaboration. Your child’s story is something to be proud of — and something they will be proud of too, especially when it comes from you honestly and warmly.

By choosing openness, you give your child: